One week before leaving for Pine Ridge, South Dakota I wrote
a blog post addressing the question of “why
not just send money?” It’s funny looking back on this post and realizing
regardless of how connected I thought I was with the bigger picture, i.e.- it’s
more than money, it took living it and experiencing it to actually understand.
Upon returning from Pine Ridge I feel that my life has been turned on top of
itself. I have exposed pieces of myself that I didn’t know, or had forgotten,
existed. I have made scary choices and I remain unsure of whether I am making a
mistake or whether I am moving forward. So, only 12 days later, I offer this
post to demonstrate the radical shift I feel within myself and the experience
that I most definitely would not have had, and continue to have, if I had just
sent money.
Human connection is one of the most beautiful and
heartbreaking experiences to live. You can connect with a spirit, with an idea,
a practice, a song, a piece of art, a dance, a movement, a moment, and, most
importantly to me, another human. The scariest thing about connection is the impermanence
in the permanence. You will never ever have that moment again, only the memory
of that moment.
For many individuals you can never forget the experience of
deep connection, it touches you beyond the surface level, it moves you beyond
skin deep. Every connection we open ourselves to become experiences that change
us, shape us, and leave us at least little bit different. Human connections
carve out a piece of you, a sliver of you “owned” by another soul, object, or
experience. That is to say you loose part of yourself in connection. But in
this loss you also gain something. It is symbiotic, to an extent. You gain insight,
understanding, and empathy. You learn how to be compassionate. You simultaneously
selflessly and selfishly experience.
This last week of my life is making me stop and think about
connections. It has me questioning love, love of myself and love of others. It
has me wondering what is wrong and what is right. In a very real way it has
turned my own worldview on its head. I am thankful that I am open to
connections, open to listening to the world around me, but also recognize the
hurt and pain that comes with these experiences. Life is duplicitous in the way
it teaches us and as students of life we are forced to face this duplicity. Today,
and everyday, I strive to not rationalize, validate, or order the duplicitous
feelings inside of me but to instead let them come and go and recognize them in
the moment. If you do not feel contradictions or hardship I would question
whether you were living life to it’s fullest.
Anyone who is open to experiencing is in a constant state of
gratitude and mourning. No moment can ever be recreated, no matter how much we
try. Technology has made it so that you can stay in constant contact, you can
recreate some semblance of connecting, but you still will never feel it in the
same way again. Time moves on, life moves on, and who you are is in constant
flux.
There is a moment, or many moments, in the human life where
you feel like two bodies may actually be one. You feel like two minds are on the
same page, churning from different perspectives and life experiences but united
in a single moment to feel together. This is the power of human connection.
I am grateful that I was reminded of this power in this last
week when I was living outside of my comfort zone. I am grateful to remember
how much growth comes with the feelings of vulnerability and openness to
anything. In this moment I am grateful to mourn.
I believe that human nature is fragile in its resilience.
What a single individual, or a group of individuals, can experience and move
beyond is amazing to me. There is so much hurt and trauma in this world that
the fact that we all move forward is truly incredible.
Growth comes with anger, pain, suffering, grief, and sorrow.
It also is how we add something better to our lives, how we pursue happiness, contentedness,
joy, exuberance, love, and compassion.
We all are where we are, in this exact moment, though it is
constantly changing and transitioning. Living life means we are along for the ride.
Some of us hold on to comfort and close ourselves to the harsh reality at
times, in order to protect ourselves, but each of us has moments when we cannot
ignore what is happening around us and how that changes the way our hearts
beat.
I was changed through my experiences.
I traveled to South Dakota armed with a sturdy base of theory
and intellect, naively believing that this was enough. I arrived with
expectations, the biggest being that I would be able to understand everything I
saw as long as I listened.
I left South Dakota, and the big bad west in general, with a
realization that I will never understand but I can always feel. I can never
shut myself off from feeling, from loving, or from connecting. Some connections
last a lifetime and others are only there for a brief moment, a moment to
remind you that you are human. I am grateful for those reminders.
As I transition back into the everyday routine, into paying
bills and turning in assignments and serving people their dinner I am faced
with a great sense of mourning. I am mourning for the people who hurt,
everyday, and who I can forget about because of the nature of this fucked up
world. I am mourning for those eyes I will never again gaze deeply into. I am
mourning for the lack of smiling children in my life. I am mourning for the
feeling of a single purpose when I wake up everyday. I am mourning for paths
that I have decided to turn my back to. I am mourning for moments of love that
cannot withstand the reality of life.
I am grateful for the mourning. The mourning means it
matters, the mourning means I care. The mourning means that I will always be
striving for connection. The mourning is provocative.
It provokes me to greet everyday thankfully. It provokes me
to never forget, but to gracefully move forward. It provokes me to give instead
of take. It provokes me to always be thankful.
Human connection motivates me to love and listen with my
whole heart, body, and mind.
In this moment of gratitude and mourning I could not be happier
that we did not just send the money.
-Wendell Robinson, Warren Wilson College Senior
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